Warning - this post contains random thoughts written at 5am. So even I may not understand later on!
I have been feeling really frustrated lately. As many of my friends know I'm not really happy with my job at the moment. The prospect of just bug fixing for another year of my life does not inspires. Although the major plus point is the flexibility of working from home whenever I need to, means I can't really give it up. The current answer to remedy this is to have "time-out" by going to many (if not some) casting/photo shoot with little one. Just to get a change of scenery I guess.
At the weekend I was at a major down, the lack of sleep throughout the week made it hard to fight it. The lowest point was Sunday lunchtime.
I have always felt like an outsider, never felt I quite belong to any group. I feel like I try so hard to try and get involved but in the end never feel quite fitting in. Always on the fringe. Most of time, I can handle this and sometime just push the thought to the background, but on the down days, I just can’t. Sunday was one of them.
For a while now I’ve been thinking about maybe looking for another church. I don’t feel “called” to any particular church, so I/We haven’t explored but instead just not go. I made an effort to go to church, even though Andy was away. The service was great and Gill’s sermon was thought provoking. What I should have done was to go home straight away afterwards. None of the friends I know best was there. So I try to make an effort and went to get a tea. It took me so long to get one, due to other people who are obviously more important to me diving in the “queue”. I actually gave up waiting at one point as I couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone let alone say Hello. At the second attempt, I had Naomi with me (she’s the only one who is talking to me) and a lady chatted about how tall she’s looking now. That’s it. What about me? How am I doing?
After getting my cold drink (as now I’m in danger of bursting into tears, so I want to gulp it down and leave), my pastoral visitor came over, we chatted and he asks me how I am(of course I can’t tell him how exactly I was feeling) and starting to don’t feel so bad.....then.... He asks if Andy and I would consider giving some time to help with one of the groups. Not till September. No pressure but they are desperate for help, etc etc. After mentioning this, of course he has to go. I’m left there thinking, hmm, what was his intention when he started talking to me. That was the finally straw, I grabbed Naomi and left. Never felt so out of place in the church that I am actually a member of. I give up. I don’t care anymore.
Went to C3 photography group Monday night, I really enjoyed it. And even though I didn’t know any of them at all. I didn’t feel out of place. Being a smaller groups helps/ Anyway, I think we’ll give c3 church a try. We’ll see how that pans out.
Decided then that I’m going to take time out trying so hard. Why should I? When I regain some mental energy I’ll try again. Just have to accept that I’ll always be a background person.
